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Roc-A-Wedding

Written by: 0-T on Feb 21st, 2003



*** On the S Dot yacht, somewhere in the Caribbean ***


Beanie Sigel: Don't tell me you lost it.

Bleek: I had it on me this morning, I know I did!

Beanie: Jay is gonna throw you OFF this mother fucker

Bleek: Shit... shit... shit... *walks in circles, confused*

Beanie: How you lose a million dollar wedding ring?

Bleek: SSHHHH... keep your voice down nigga!

Beanie: *chuckles* Nigga you dead.

Bleek: Fuck, I gotta think... THINK Bleek think... if I was a million dollar wedding ring, where would I be?

Beanie: In a ring box, prick... same as any other ring.

Bleek: I lost the ring box too nigga!

Beanie: I'm fuckin with you nigga. Calm down.

Bleek: Man, I don't have time for--

Beanie: So how does it feel?

Bleek: How does what feel?

Beanie: Being dead

Bleek: SHUT UP!

Beanie: hahahaha

Bleek: Fuck, I gotta come up with somethin...



*** Jay-Z & Mr. Knowles play poker in the gaming room ***


Jay: *puffs cigar* So you don't mind your daughter marrying a player?

Mr. Knowles: Not at all, I wouldn't expect nothin less. Women always look for a man just like their pops.

Jay: Oh, you were a old school player, huh?

Mr. Knowles: Yeah, whatchu know about the old school, youngin?

Jay: Well, actually I'm almost 40 years old.

Mr. Knowles: No shit? Damn, we coulda rolled together back in the day.

Freeway: EARLY!!

Mr. Knowles: Why does he keep shouting that out the blue?

Jay: So Matt, tell me about B as a kid.

Mr. Knowles: She was a born star... you couldn't tell her nothin. You got your job cut out for you, young scrapper.

Jay: I'ma hold it down.

Freeway: EARLY!!

Mr. Knowles: Okay, can we switch seats? He's startin to scare me.



*** On-board jewelry store ***


Bleek: Good thing this boat has an on-board jewelry store.

Beanie Sigel: Nigga, you gon buy a million dollar ring?

Bleek: I ain't tryin to get thrown off a boat, ya heard

Beanie: Where you gon get a million dollars?

Bleek: I'm glad you asked... *looks down* See I was wondering if... if it wasn't too much trouble... maybe... I mean I know the State Property gear is jumpin off... and you brilliant for pullin that shit off.. it's hot... forreal.. um... I was hopin that maybe... maybe if you had a lil somethin... maybe you could spot me. You know I'm good for it *looks up* ( Beanie Sigel is nowhere to be found)

Bleek: Beans? *looks around* Beanie??

Jacob the Jewler: Hi, can I help you?

Bleek: Um, yeah... I'm lookin for a wedding ring.

Jacob the Jewler: Congratulations.

Bleek: Nah man, I'm not gettin married. It's for Jay... I need to get the exact ring he got from you last week.

Jacob the Jewler: Oh my... did you lose it?

Bleek: That's not important. Look I need--

Jacob the Jewler: HAHAHA What kind of Smeagol loses a million dollar ring? HAHAHA

Bleek: Why do people keep calling me that? What the fuck is a Shmegal?

Jacob the Jewler: Nevermind. Look my friend, you are in luck. I have one more of those rings left.

Bleek: *sigh* Thank you God!

Jacob the Jewler: It's on sale for 2.5 million.

Bleek: WHAT?!?

Jacob the Jewler: 2.5

Bleek: It was a million like 3 days ago.

Jacob the Jewler: Supply and demand.

Bleek: Man... c'mon Jacob. Don't do this to me man. You know the Roc does you good... we put your kids through college man. Hook me up.

Jacob the Jewler: No, Dame put my kids through college. You ask for free, used chains with other people's names on them every time I see you.

Bleek: Come on man! Shaq didn't buy the shit.. you coulda gave me that piece. Who gonna buy a big ass Twism chain?

Jacob the Jewler: 2.5 my friend.

Bleek: Fuck... aight, but I ain't got it on me. Can I put up my house, car.. um... my momma's crib... and the rest on credit?

Jacob the Jewler: *draws up the papers*



*** The next day... ***


Jay: *fixes collar on Roc-A-Tux* How I look?

Dame: Like a camel in a Tux.

Jay: C'mon nigga, this my big day.

Dame: You look sharp nigga. HOLLA!

Jay: Aight nigga... LET'S DO THIS!



--- Half Hour Later ---


Roc-A-Priest: What up niggas! We're gathered here today... for some truly gangsta shit! *throws up the Roc*

Crowd: HOLLA!

Roc-A-Priest: This is a monumentus occasion right here. Sean Carter aka Jay-Z aka Jigga aka Young Hova aka Big Homie... whatever he's going by today...

Jay: Notorious J.A.Y.

Roc-A-Priest: ... Okay... Today, Notorious J.A.Y. is putting his pimp hand back in the holster, and hanging it up for good. He's finally settling down with none other than Ms. Beyonce Knowles.

Beyonce: *holding the same photo-ready grin for 72 hours straight*

Roc-A-Priest: If anyone here got beef, speak now or forever hold your peace.

Beans: We forever holdin our piece anyway, Rev! *reaches hand in jacket*

Crowd: *laughs*

Bleek: HAHA Yeah, til death do us part! ... get it?

Crowd: *dead silent*

Roc-A-Priest: Um... okay. Does anyone have the ring?

Bleek: *walks up and pulls out 2.5 million dollar ring*

Jay and Dame: *look at each other and laugh*

Bleek: What?

Dame: *pulls ring out his pocket and hands it to Jay*

Bleek: WHAT THE FUCK?? Where do you get that??

Dame: I've had it since he bought it.

Bleek: What the fuck was in the ring box you gave me?

Dame: I dunno, a cereal toy I think.

Bleek: WHAT?!

Dame: You lost it didn't you?

Bleek: .....

Dame: You lost the cereal toy, so you went and bought a million dollar ring, didn't you?

Bleek: 2.5 million

Jay and Dame: *look over to Jacob the Jewler*

Jacob the Jewler: *shrug* holler.

Beyonce: *photo-ready grin*

Bleek: Wait... you put me through all that shit and you didn't even give me a real ring?

Jay: Fuck I look like trusting you with a ring nigga?? If I was your Burger King manager, I wouldn't put you in charge of onion rings.

Freeway: EARLY!

Bleek: *looks around nervous* You said you wouldn't mention that Burger King shit, Jay. I do whatever to make ends meet. I ain't shame.

Jay: Oh really? Ay, everybody can I have your attention... you're lookin at BK's finest! That's right, Bleek here was employee of the month at Burger King.

Crowd: *bursts into laughter*

Bleek: That's IT! I ain't standin for this shit anymore.

Jay: *offers Bleek a chair*

Bleek: Fuck you nigga! Fuck the ROC! Nas murdered you and everyone knows it... Em murdered you on your own shit! You look like a camel... fuck you! I sold my mom's house nigga! Don't come cryin to me when this bitch leaves you for a ball player.

Crowd: *dead silent*

Jay: *looks at Beanie Sigel*

Beans: *nods*



--- an hour later ---


Crowd: *eating cake, dancing to Roc music*

Jay: I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you... or til you get fat.. whichever comes first.

Beyonce: *photo-ready grin*

Dame: Yo Jay, you want some cake?

Jay: Nah, I feel like a whopper with cheese.

Dame: *shouts overboard* Hey, you ready to come back on board and fix us some cheeseburgers nigga?

Bleek: *butt-naked, holdin on to a rope* Yeah

Dame: What? I can't hear you?

Bleek: YEAH NIGGA!

Dame: *puts hand to ear* What was that?

Bleek: YES SIR. I'M READY TO COME SERVE Y'ALL BURGERS!

Dame: Can I have it my way?

Bleek: YES! YOU CAN HAVE IT YOUR WAY!

Dame: Can I get free cheese?

Bleek: C'mon man, you know cheese is a extra 19 cents!

Dame: Aight then... I'll holla at you in another hour. *walks away from edge of the boat*

Bleek: C'mon Dame, pull me up! HOLLA!!



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